Tray Tables Up

March 31, 2022

I was strapping myself into a seat on a jet bound for St. Louis when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "This trip will be a rough one: short, but bumpy enough that we are canceling beverage service. And it's probably best to use the bathroom now." It turned out that the flight wasn't nearly as bad as what the captain had led us to expect, but if I hadn't been prepared, it would have been nerve-wracking.

When you have little kids, everyone talks in hushed tones about how difficult they'll be when they're teenagers. So you prepare. You read books like Faber & Mazlish's How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk (my all-time favorite parenting book). You make your own parents sift through their memories to describe what YOU were like as a teenager. You steel yourself against the turmoil that is sure to come, pasting on a smile while planning a bar mitzvah.

And then... nothing. Or, at least, not what you were expecting (not EVER what you were expecting). Sure, lots of items shift during flight... and wow, do those kids unleash their uncertainty about that in your direction! But for most, if you stick close (but not suffocatingly close), set your expectations high and your confidence in them to match it, and step in when your inexperienced pilot veers too far off course, that should do the trick to launch them toward their own personal horizon.

And, sometimes, there are disasters like a pandemic, even when you think you're prepared. (I almost WAS a disaster myself, though my parents never found out.) That's the most important lesson here: You can, and should, think reasonably about what the chances are for certain problems to occur given your family's circumstances, and seek professional assistance when the winds fling you about too much. Don't set yourself up for needless turbulence over things that don't matter (homework! instrument practice! hair color!). But for the most part, you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Teens are endlessly fascinating. And confusing. And amusing. And infuriating. And worthwhile.

Just keep your seat belt fastened low and tight across your lap.

—Deb