Good Fireworks

June 29, 2023

This coming Tuesday is Independence Day.

I personally have a love-love relationship with the concept of independence; when I recently ranked my top 10 personal values, independence came out on top, even ahead of clarity of mind, productivity, and generosity. It's one of the chief values that I've sought to convey to my kids: I took on this parenting gig knowing—at least in theory—that if I want my kids to be happy and confident as adults, they need to know how to think for themselves.

But there's no denying that cultivating independence in kids is inconvenient. 

"NO!" is the favorite word of toddlers and preschoolers and teenagers, and the least favorite word of parents. To cope, I'd take a deep breath and remind myself, "You WANT them to do this. You're not raising sheep, you're helping humans learn to make their own way in the world." I envisioned situations where I knew I'd want them to find the backbone they needed in an unjust situation, and I'd mentally transport their resistance into that future. It helped, it really did. And then I'd and try to engineer the present situation into one where the right thing would happen; sometimes it was what they wanted, but if not, they might understand better why my decision was the one we were following that time.

So on Tuesday, as the fireworks thunder, remind yourself that independence fireworks are part of every family's experience, now and again. You want them, you really do.

—Deb